If you haven’t already read part 1 of this post, I would suggest you start there. Partly because its nice to do things in order (such as open the lid of the toilet before you wee), and secondly because it has some research in it, rather than just me opinionating loudly to myself.
If you are still here, I am presuming that you want to hear me opinionate, and you have heard that I use rude words in this post like orgasm.
My personal experience of LBD is that most of the lesbians I know who have been in a relationship longer than a few years are having sex once a week or less. Many of them are having sex a couple of times a month and some are having sex less than that.
Is this a problem?
That depends on the people involved. If you are having sex one a month and when you do it, you have a fab time, and you are living busy, connected lives in between….well then that all sounds peachy to me. If one of you is unhappy with that frequency then you have a problem, I am going to write a specific post on differences in desire, so check that out if it seems useful to you.
I also think if you find that you are not having sex because other things are getting in the way, then you can also address that. I had a conversation with a friend of mine who had been in a relationship for 9 years, and she said
We don’t have spontaneous sex any more
and I thought..no…neither do we. I am not sure if anyone who is in a long term lesbian relationship has regular spontaneous sex. Most grown-up folks have to plan it in because otherwise one of the following things gets in the way
- Its a really good T.V programme that you have both been looking forward too
- You are too full from dinner
- You are not well
- The dog needs walking/ the cat has been left on their own all day
- The sheep need worming (O.K this is a bit more obscure, but I am trying to be inclusive)
- An unexpected visitor arrives
- Your mum phones up/ her mum phones up
- You can’t stop thinking about a work problem
- You work different shifts
- You have committed to your hockey team/orchestra/knitting circle that you will lead the session this week.
In summary…shit happens…and unlike The L Word, where none of them have real jobs and seem to get paid to drink coffee all day…life needs to be lived. If you are anything like me, you want to live life as well as have sex, and that’s O.K…BUT..(insert your own joke about big buts).
If you make a sex date, it is much more likely to happen. The trick is doing that, and then still taking the pressure off of the performance. Working out how to take your partner from zero, all the way up to “Yes…yes…a bit harder….keep goooOOOOOOOOOing”.
Now, I’m not going to pretend I am an expert, because that’s not what this space is about. I am being honest here. When we plan in a sex date, it probably only takes place about 70% of the time (see list 1-10), and of those 70% of times…. it leads to orgasm 3 out 4 times. BUT..the other times are great too, because we lay and kiss, and cuddle and touch and massage and relax each other…..this is really important because it is about trusting the other person not to put pressure on you to perform when you are not in the mood. So instead of saying….
Lets have sex on Tuesday after work
Why not say, “I’d like to spend some time with you on Tuesday after work. We can lock the door and switch off phones, and have an hour (or more) kissing and chatting on the bed”. You don’t need to pretend that this isn’t about sex, but by taking that goal centred approach away, I find it happens more often than not You both learn to relax into the planned sessions, and look forward to them as a crucial part of your ongoing relationship.
Sex can be one of the biggest issues in a long term lesbian relationship, so try to iron out some of these issues early on by establishing some routines that work for you both. Remember frequency isn’t everything, but it is part of the glue that will hold you together long term. Don’t worry about the idea that you are not doing it enough, or in enough different ways, just plan in time to spend with each in a sexual way, and take it from there.